Someday
by mediawatchingal
Summary: Its late 1919, Mary has married Carlisle although it is as if nothing has changed. Christmas is approaching and news reaches her that after seven years the story of the Turkish ambassador will finally come out.
1. Chapter 1

_Autumn, 1919 _

It had been six months since she stood next to Matthew at Lavina's grave taking in his words that anything between them had ended. She accepted his defeat, after all she had been living with a love with him for the past five years and while certainly their dance from that night ignited a hope within her she had intended to live a life sacrificing her happiness for Lavina and Matthew. This would be no different than her intentions. She would marry a man she did not love to protect her family and keep her place in society. There were worse burdens for her to bear.

Mary and Carlisle married quietly at the end of July just as they had planned, however out of respect of Lavina's death Mary wanted to put it off for a while but Carlisle insisted, as well as her Mama so instead the tone of the wedding was much quieter than originally planned. Although she was married nearly nothing had changed, Richard spent more than most of his time in London and Hacksbee Park was not ready to move into yet and so she spent most of her time at Downton.

Matthew kept his distance for sometime, and much to Mary's surprise he stayed in Downton. She all but expected him to pack up and leave for Manchester again as he had intended to before the war. It did not happen though and instead he locked himself away. Papa had seen him on more occasions than anyone else, he insisted on Matthew getting out of Crawley house and keeping up with his meetings with him on maintaining Downton. He always invited him to dinner and Matthew always refused. Matthew would purposely schedule the meetings when he knew that Mary was away. Tonight was different though as Mary sat at dinner listening to her Papa tell her Mama that he had seen something in Matthew the past few visits he had not since before Lavina's death.

"Well what do you mean that something was different with Matthew?" Cora said, the question caught Mary's attention and she turned away from the conversation she had been having with Edith.

"I'm not sure, he has had a different spirit about him. And when I asked him to dinner tonight, he usually just refuses instead he said he couldn't not tonight but would join us very soon." Robert explained.

"Well I certainly would love to see him and I wish he would stop wasting his days away in the house, it is not good for him. He will never be able to move on like that…"

"Why should he move on mama? He's lost the woman he loved. He should be able to grieve as long as he pleases…" Edith interjected. Taking note of Mary's expression.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Cora responded.

"Really Mama? That sounds like something an American came up with?" Mary finally added. "Besides, Matthew has decided how he is going to respond. Let him come around in his own time…" she continued. "He is to live here someday, he won't be able to avoid it forever, especially with the holiday coming soon." She secretly hoped that would be the breaking point. She had not laid eyes upon him in months, and although she knew it was not by accident on either of their parts she longed for what friendship they did have above anything more.

"Speaking of the holidays, I have received a letter from Sybill asking what plans there are. She would like to bring Branson her for Christmas…" Cora looked to Robert for a response.

"Oh Granny will love that, dinner with the chauffer? I can hear her now..." Mary interjected. Looking to Edith for agreement who simply responded with a grin.

"Well, it would have to happen sooner or later…she is our child and although she has made this choice she will remain our child…writer her and tell her we shall plan for a dinner on Christmas eve night, we will fill out the table, make things less awkward, everyone can stay the night and we will all celebrate Christmas here the next day" Robert responded.

"Of course we will invite cousin Matthew and Mrs. Crawley?" Edith added.

"Of course. Mary? Richard shall be here as well then?" Cora questioned.

"I don't see why he wouldn't be it is holiday." Mary added. All she could think of was Christmas and Matthew though…

_December, 1919_

It grew closer more quickly than she expected and soon decorations for the holiday were being put up and the Christmas tree was to arrive that very day. Mary had to admit to herself it was her favorite time of the year. She loved the spirit and the hope the holiday brought. Her focus remained on the fact that she would indeed see Matthew in a few days as he and his mother had accepted the invitation to dinner for Christmas Eve.

She asked Anna for her coat and gloves and she stepped out into the brisk and snowy day outside of her home. A walk was what she needed; the snow was light and had only just started a few hours before. As she paced around to the back of the grounds she could hear the motor coming up behind her and turned to see who was returning. She watched as her Papa got out and started towards to greet him but froze when she saw who stepped out behind him, Matthew.

He was thin, very thin. She noted her had a lighter tone to him than in the past, though not worse off as he had been at their last meeting during the funeral. She watched from where she could not be seen. It seemed to her as if his new look was permanent, that he would stay this shade forever now and the color that once lit his face could never return. Their was no sign of happiness on his face as she watched him look up to the house slowly like he was seeing it for the first time. He followed behind Robert and she heard him call for tea from Carson. She knew they would be hours and she couldn't possibly stay outside until he was gone.

She went around to the back of the house and knocked on the door where Anna met her. "M'lady what are you doing back here? I would have met you at the front." Anna questioned.

"Matthew is here, I'd rather go upstairs and quietly." Anna nodded in understanding and followed her up the stairs to her room. Mary knew coming in this way would mean not having to pass the library where they would most certainly be.

She slid into her room without notice and Anna took her coat and gloves.

"I'm not sure I am ready to face this Anna…" she slumped down at the bench of her vanity and Anna placed a hand on her shoulder.

"M'lady, you don't have much choice. You will have to see him on Christmas, not only will he be here for dinner but he is spending the night…there are worse things m'lady" Anna explained. Mary grimaced at her inconsiderate comment "I am so sorry Anna, everything you are dealing with when it comes to Bates, I can not imagine…please forgive me." Mary pleaded.

"No forgiveness is necessary m'lady, this to shall pass…and we will come through it as husband and wife." Anna said.

"If only we could all have your strength Anna…" Mary added.

Mary stood at her window looking out of it until she saw the motor going down the drive. Finally after what seemed liked hours she was able to come out. Slowly descending down the stairs Cora was coming up and they met half way.

"Where have you been?" she continued without letting her respond. "Matthew is here. He is in the library with your father…"

"He is still here? I saw him when I was out walking, don't worry I kept a safe distance" she said giving her mother a look "I snuck in the back…I've been in my room." She finally answered. "I think you should go in there Mary…" her mother finally said. "Oh Mama, you can't be serious?" Mary was shocked at the suggestion.

"I am, despite the fact that Matthew and you have a history, you two have been close and perhaps seeing you can add to his progress. It could also make things smoother on Wednesday night." Mary could not believe she was hearing such things from the same person who practically shoved her into a marriage to keep her away from Matthew in the first place. Before she could respond her mother kept rambling on "Just go in and interrupt as if you have no idea he is here, it will keep the mood light…" she smiled and continued up the stairs.

Mary rarely did as she was told, so why did she feel as if she had no choice in this matter. She stood at the door of the library considering what to do next, then it was as if she had no control over her own to legs and they carried her through the door without care. "Papa I was wondering what…" she stopped as soon as she saw the back of his head and could have sworn that she saw him freeze the instant he heard her voice.

"Oh forgive me Papa, I didn't know you had company." Mary faltered and did not acknowledge the fact that it was Matthew. Both men rose to their feet and Matthew turned slowly around painstakingly slow. She had to catch her breath, seeing him up close for the first time in so long. He wouldn't meet her eyes and simply greeted her formally "Hello Cousin Mary." "Cousin Matthew…Papa, I apologize. Please excuse me" just as she turned to leave Carson entered. "My lord, I hate to interrupt but there is a matter that needs your attention" Mary's eyes grew big and she knew what was going to happen next. "Mary stay here with Matthew, I'll be just a moment. Forgive me." As quickly as Carson had come in he had taken Papa with him and Mary and Matthew stood in silence alone for the first time in months. "There is no need for you to stay I am perfectly fine waiting for him alone." Matthew finally spoke, still not looking at her while he did so as he sat back down. She wanted to leave but could not will herself to. "It's fine, Papa would think it rude for me to leave. Don't worry you don't have to speak or even look at me as if it seems you have no intention to." She slouched down into an armchair the furthest away from him she could get. The room remained silent for what seem like an eternity. "Your married now, that is wonderful Mary, you must know that your happiness is important to me" Matthew finally broke the silence. She looked up from her lap. "The only thing that has changed is my last name, nothing else…" her response had a deeper meaning; Matthew paid no mind to it.

Matthew simply nodded. Here she was in this place again, Matthew could not even look at her and Mary couldn't not take her eyes off of him. "I'm sure more has changed than that." Matthew continued to try and create a slight conversation but it was having no effect. "Well I still live here, I see Richard less than before we were married and I live the same life almost exactly. Everything remains the same." Mary pressed. She knew she was coming off coldly and felt it was unwarranted. "Matthew, I am sorry. I don't mean to be rude…there is no excuse for it." For the first time since she entered the room he looked at her directly. "On the contrary Mary, I do not find you rude at all. Not after the last time we spoke…" he looked away again. Her emotions were getting the best of her "Oh Matthew" she said just barely above a whisper. Before she could continue her Papa came rushing back into the library. "So sorry about that my dear boy, I must say it was imperative that I handle that. I'm afraid I have bad news about Bates, it seems as if his trial has been pushed again. His solicitor is awful really, you think this would have been resolved months ago. For God's sake the man is not a murderer." Robert entering was a relief for them both. "Perhaps I could have friend look into the case…maybe it could help" Matthew added. "That would be brilliant Matthew are you sure you don't mind?" Robert said. "It is no trouble at all I am sure he would be happy to help." Matthew assured him. "Let me make a call quickly…" Robert rushed out of the room once more and Mary dropped into the chair again. "Are we destined to continue this back and forth all day?" Mary exclaimed. "I should just leave, there is clearly a lot going on here, I shouldn't intrude." Mary rose from her chair again, "Yes, I understand. We will see you on Wednesday evening then?" Mary questioned. "Yes, Mother and I will be here…it's a good time to fold my self back into real life I suppose." He spoke softly. "We will be happy to have you here again Matthew…" Mary added as he turned to leave. "Thank you Mary…I'll see you." With that he was gone. Mary went to the window and watched him as he walked down the driveway.

Carson entered the library once again. "My lady, this just arrived in the post" he handed her a letter. Carlisle. Wondering why she would be getting a letter from him when he was meant to be here in a few days. She picked the opener up from the desk in front of her and slid it under the seal. Hastily working to open it. As she read the words the past came back to haunt her once more and rushed out of the library.

"What is Mama Anna?" she pleaded.

"She is in her room m'lady. Is everything well?" she asked

"No, I am afraid it is not well at all. Please come with me." The look on Mary's face caused Anna to follow her in a frantic.

"Mama…" Mary walked into her room in a panic. Handing her mother the letter from Richard. She took the letter and read over it in disbelief. "I thought this was finally behind us…" Cora responded in shock. "He says that he is trying to put a stop to it but it's a competitor, it cold come out once and for all and now there is no way to stop it." Mary said sinking down onto her mother's bed unable to stand any longer.

"My dear there must be someway to stop this once and for all…" Cora spoke softly and calmly despite feeling the opposite way.

"There is Mama, can't you see. It must finally come out…" Mary surrendered to what she had been afraid of for the last seven years. The story would be out and all of it would be over. While the fear was creeping up with her she couldn't help but feel a moment of relief. A heavy burden that she'd felt for as long as she could remember was diminishing.

"There must be something…" Cora was growing concerned, Mary had become defeated. "This is what it comes to Mama after all this time." Mary held the silence for a moment before standing, suddenly looking less defeated. "Well shall we enjoy the final days before my ruin. He writes it won't come to light til after Christmas, so I would very much like to put it out of my mind until then. Richard and I will discuss it when he arrives. This is our problem now, it will not effect the family" Without another word Mary left Anna and her Mama in her bedroom.


	2. Chapter 2

_My apologizes for the HORRID grammar of this fic…Chapter 2 is a bit better. I wrote chapter 1 well into 4am…. Hope you enjoy….._

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><p>Mary stood in her room with Anna getting dressed. "And to think Matthew was what I was worried about all this time…here I am stuck with the same problem I have had all along." Mary said. Anna zipping up the back of her new dress caught her eye in the mirror. "M'lady, this will be handled. Sir Richard will be here soon and the two of you will work it out. He certainly won't let this happen." Anna explained. "Yes, I am certain he will do all in his power to stop it but I must be prepared if he cannot…" Mary dropped her head somberly.<p>

When she came downstairs for pre-dinner conversation and arrivals no one had arrived. She took a seat on the couch next to Edith and Cora waiting. She watched as many entered, neighbors, Dr. Clarkson, friends of her father's that she did not have a clue as to who they were or why they were even here. Sybil finally arrived and rushed in to the parlor to hug Cora. "My dear! Welcome home!" Cora could not contain her excitement and Mary and Edith both raised to hug her as well. "It so wonderful for you to come. Where is Branson?" Mary asked. "He's talking to Papa.." Sybil said with a weary look. "Oh no! And you left them alone! You feed him to the wolves…" Mary exclaimed. "I'm sure he'll be quite alright Papa was very easy on him when we saw him in the summer." Sybil explained. Mary looked up when the door opened again expecting to see Branson and Papa, however she could not look away when she saw Isobel and Matthew coming into the room instead. She immediately left her mother and sisters to go greet them. "Isobel, so lovely to see you it has been so long" Mary greeted her lovingly. "It is so good to see you to my dear" Isobel gave her a smile and she turned to greet Matthew. It shocked her when he reached his hand out to her and she immediately returned the gesture placing hers in his, the familiar chill that contact with him gave her returned instantly, "Matthew, it is good to see you again so soon" Mary smiled, she was trembling, at least she was certain it was her, perhaps it was both of them. "And you Mary" giving her hand a squeeze and then letting it go. "Happy Christmas to you both" she added.

"The two of you have seen each other already?" Isobel asked. "Yes, I actually rudely barged in on Matthew and Papa the other day" Mary explained, and it did not go unnoticed by Isobel that the entire time she spoke she looked at Matthew.

"I should go say hello to your father" and with that they were left alone.

Mary looked down to her hands trying to focus on anything but him. She was shocked when spoke to her again. "Mary…" he paused waiting for her to look up to him. She met his eyes, and they looked at each other in away that they hadn't since the night they danced. "I wanted to apologize, our last talk some months ago…" She cut him off before he was able to go any further. "There is nothing to say Matthew, you have suffered something terrible and there is no need to apologize for anything at all." She meant that with sincerity and he could tell. "I just hope that we can be friends again. I hope that more than anything…" Mary smiled softly. "I have missed you so very much…" she added. "And I you Mary…" Matthew said just above a whisper as if telling her a secret no one else should know about. She smiled, but Matthew's face remained expressionless and it pained her. "Matthew…" she was interrupted by the announcement that dinner was ready. "Won't Sir Richard be joining us?" Matthew asked after Carson's announcement. "He will be along later, there were some matters he had to settle before the holiday, so he will be on the late train" She was glad for his absence, she had to admit and even more pleased to discover this meant Matthew would be seated next to her at dinner.

Dinner was almost normal for them as it had been the last several years they ate together. Going through the guest at the table one by one that was not related to them and Mary explaining their reason for presence if she knew. She loved that Matthew would gossip with her almost as surely as one of her sisters would and while she cracked a smile and stole glances at him in his direction and he towards her she couldn't help but notice he hadn't even shown a grin the whole evening, just pleasantries and certainly no laughter.

Mary was sitting talking to her mother and Isobel about her plans after the New Year when Carlisle arrived after dinner. "Happy Christmas, Lady Grantham, Mrs. Crawley" he greeted them when he walked in. "My darling" he spoke turning to Mary as she rose, placing a light kiss on her cheek. Matthew watched from afar as he spoke with Robert. "Did you settle all of your matters Richard?" Cora asked him knowingly, "Will you and Mary have a calm Christmas?" she pleaded secretly for an answer and he knew what she was seeking. "Unfortunately, no Lady Grantham. All of the matters are not yet settled but I have great confidence they will be" he explained. Mary cringed and he noticed her discomfort. "But my darling we will push those thoughts aside and enjoy the holiday…" Isobel sensed there was something more in their words then what was being spoken. She kept her eyes on Mary's face, consumed with worry despite her soft smile.

"Excuse us for a moment ladies. I need to speak with my wife privately if that is alright…" Matthew watched as it all unfolded. Richard led her out of the sitting room and into the library.

"I suppose you have gotten my letter then?" Richard asked once the door was closed. "Yes, have you had any luck in stopping it?" she asked, no longer hiding her upset mood. "No, I have had no luck. I am not giving up though, I will do everything to put a stop to it" Richard explained. "Well I expect no less from you and I am grateful for it…" Mary said sitting down, she was finding it hard to hold herself up. "It can be laid to rest for now so that we can enjoy the holiday. I have someone working at it and they will contact me with any information. This must be resolved for I wish not to think about the upset it will bring if it is not." Mary looked to Richard before speaking "My ruin would certainly be upon us…" she admitted. "I would expect it to fall on more than your self…" Richard said. "I really should go to bed Mary. It has been a long day and I do not want to discuss the matter any longer tonight…would you please have Carson send a footman up to assist me. I will see you in the morning." he asked her as he walked out of the library.

Mary slipped down the stairs quietly in her nightgown and robe with a book and blanket in hand. It has been impossible for her to sleep. Thoughts rushing through her mind of what could be next and she needed to think of anything else. She reached the bottom of the stairs to go into the sitting room. She reached the room and was not at all surprised to find a glow coming from it as she opened the door quietly, knowing the tree would stay lit through the night. She crept into the room slowly and sat on the couch. As she settled the sight she saw startled her. It was Matthew, in the large armchair, asleep with his head rested back against it. She smiled softly for a moment and thought it would be so like him, wandering around in the middle of the night fully dressed and falling asleep in a room other than his own. After watching him sleep for a moment she realized she should probably wake him up to go to his room. She rose off the couch and toward the chair trying not to get too close. She did not want to startle him. "Matthew…" she whispered in a sing song voice. "Matthew…you must wake up and go to your bed…." She spoke softly and it did no good at all. Before she could think about what she as doing her hand rose to his cheek. "Matthew…you must wake up…Matthew…." His eyes remained closed but his hand rose to hers cupping it softly. "Mary, it is you…" Matthew spoke out loud. "Yes, Matthew it's me you need to get to bed…" Mary pleaded unsure of how to respond to his closeness. "Mary, I am so so sorry. Can you ever forgive me Mary?" Matthew pleaded with her, his eyes remaining shut. "Oh Matthew, please, go to bed…" she could not understand what was happening. Her eyes started to water, suddenly Matthew's eyes shot open, his hand fell and she removed hers quickly from his face. "Mary?" he questioned. The realization that he had been sleeping as he spoke hit her and she fought back tears. "What on earth are you doing out of bed?" he asked. "I couldn't sleep it was dreadfully hot in my room" she grimaced as she lied to him. "I could ask you the same question Matthew? You should go to bed. I'm not sure sleeping in that chair is good for your back…" Mary lectured fighting to change her mood, and will away the tears that burnt the side of her eyes. "I'm shocked I fell asleep down here. Sleep does not come easy for me these days…" he admitted to her, which only caused her more grief that she had to turn around and move away a fallen tear. Mary sat back on the couch pulling the blanket over her legs with her hand on the book. "I'm sorry about that Matthew. You should try to get some sleep in your room though. I am going to read for a few moments, Goodnight." She turned back to her book thinking that would be the end of it. Matthew watched her a moment and turned to leave. Instead, he closed the door to the sitting room and came back and sat next to her on the other end of the couch.  
>She did not move or speak unsure of what was happening. "I was dreaming of you when you woke me" he finally spoke, meeting her eyes directly. She said nothing, only stared back at him. "After Lavina's death, I feared she would haunt my dreams for the remainder of my life, but it is you that haunts them when I do sleep and you who fills my mind when I am awake…" she has disregarded her book long ago and trying to find the words to respond. Before she has the chance he continues again. "Mary, It is important to me that you know how much I wish for your happiness. Although I feel it inappropriate, being you are a married woman now to say the words that are about to leave my lips I feel that you must know them. Happiness does not belong to us, of that I am certain. You must know however I will never care for anyone in the manner that I care for you." He spoke so freely, never once breaking his look into her eyes. Mary leaned forward in her own lap. "Matthew…I feel for you the same way I have for the past seven years, and will feel that way until my last breath. Nothing has changed…" Mary admitted.<p>

"On the contrary my dear, everything has changed." Matthew explained. Mary placed her hand on Matthew's cheek and was surprised when he leaned into her hand and closed his eyes. "Matthew you say we are cursed but we are not…we are simply left with the choices we make…" the words came out of Mary's mouth just as she finally broke and could no longer hold back her tears. He raised his hand and wiped them away. "I should go back upstairs…" Mary said as she dropped her hand and rose off the couch. He followed closely behind her. She stopped suddenly and turned around causing him to bump into her. "Matthew I…" she stopped speaking and looked up glancing at the mistletoe above them and remembering that it was there. She laughed quietly and Matthew looked up. "Annoying weed, it is as if it laughs in our faces…Passing through it without fulfilling its obligatory action will not leave us anymore cursed Matthew" He looked down at her once more. She felt as if they were standing closer than before and he leaned in and kissed her. It was slow, the moment fleeting and as it happened Mary couldn't help but think she had another priceless kiss from Matthew to add to her collection. Memories that she could keep count of on one hand.


	3. Chapter 3

_I have to say I have never done historical research for fanfiction until now. Trying to figure out when mistletoe became a household thing, or the Christmas tree. Hope you are enjoying this fic. I haven't gotten many reviews so I don't even know if anyone other than the two who commented are reading but it is all coming out so fast I am going to keep going….I also pulled a bit of this from what we already know about the Christmas episode from Sophie and Allen's interview so beware! The scene Sophie talked about that was cut b/c of her schedule is included in here. It's nothing big…._

_Also a bit of shipper!Sybil comes out in this one…as well as sisterly!Sybil _

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><p>A very special occasion was necessary for everyone to have breakfast together. The room was filled with happiness and laughter all morning. Mary and Richard sat at one end of the table with Tom and Sybil, Edith, Matthew and his mother along one side and Violet, Robert, and Cora on the other. Mary and Sybil talked about life in Dublin while Richard and Tom discussed politics and newspapers. Mary couldn't possibly understand what had led Sybil to her decision but as she watched her join in conversation with Richard and Tom she could see something in the way they looked at each other. She felt she was being watched and turned her head in Matthew's direction, he was watching her. She smiled gently at him, and thought to herself that she may toss her whole world aside as Sybil had and live in any manner if it meant she could be with Matthew. If he would have accepted her she thought she would do so in an instant. She knew the grief of what happened to Lavina had stopped him from any thought of a future together. How could she even still be thinking of this, as a married woman? She pushed the thoughts out of her head.<p>

Thomas was serving the table and when he reached Matthew, he spoke."Thomas, I certainly thought you would be gone by now."

"Soon Mr. Crawley, its only a matter of time, his Lordship and Mr. Carson have been kind enough to let me stay until things are ready." Thomas added.

"Ready?" Matthew asked.

"He will be joining us at Hacksbee park when the work is done" Richard spoke up to Matthew as he clutched Mary's hand.

"Really? I had no idea. So he is to lead your house?" Matthew questioned.

"Yes, it was my idea. I'd at least would like to have someone from Downton around, after all Richard travels so much it will be nice to have someone familiar" Mary explained. Matthew nodded.

"When will it finally be done Richard? It seems as if it has taken years. Not that I can say I mind having Mary at home still" Robert said.

"It should be done just after the new year finally. I'll be taking some time off work so we can get settled. Make sure Mary is comfortable before I have to leave again." Richard said.

"How much are you gone Sir Richard? It seems an awful shame for Mary to be in that big house all alone?" Sybil asked.

"Well I do travel a lot and Mary may come with me as she chooses but I assure you Mary won't be alone. She will have her ladies maid and Thomas looking out for her closely. Isn't that right Thomas?" he asked.

"Yes, Sir indeed. We will take proper care of Lady Mary when you are away." Thomas responded. Matthew could not help but notice the tone in his voice and think that he implied Mary needed an eye kept on her. He knew of Thomas past actions and was not sure if his loyalty to Mary could be swayed with the right amount of money.

"Pardon me My Lordship" Carson interrupted them.

"What is it Carson?" Robert asked.

"Mr. Carlisle has a telephone call…" he answered.

"Thank Carson very much" Richard said standing to take the call. Mary was unable to keep her eyes off of him as he left the room knowing who it must be.

"On Christmas day?" Violet asked.

"Granny, its work. I am sure it is important" Mary explained.

"It is a holiday Mary, there are expectations… What could possibly be so important?" Mary did not respond and Violet continued on with her breakfast.

"Everything alright?" Mary asked when he returned. Richard simply shook his head no and sat back down at the table with a stern look on his face. Matthew focused solely on Mary's expression, he could tell something was not right and with this occurrence and last nights he thought it was something rather important, important enough to concern Mary a great deal. It was as if everything from that moment began to move in slow motion for her. She looked around the table at all of the people she cared for realizing what this could do to each of them. She caught Matthew's face again and he looked at her with concern. She had no reaction, did nothing, sitting there in a daze, and it took her mother touching her shoulder to realize everyone had risen from the table to go to the sitting room and open gifts.

As typical at Christmas since the war began upstairs and downstairs celebrated together. It was a grand celebration with gifts, food and dancing. Mary was not in the mood for it at all. Richard would not let on anymore to his phone call.

Mary sat down in the armchair Matthew had been in from the night before and watched as the others opened their gifts. She leaned back into the chair without a thought, relaxing against it slouched down. Matthew had never seen her so unladylike, he smiled to himself as he watched her, he rarely saw moments where she did not conform to expectations.

Her mother took notice too soon, "Mary! Are you quite alright?" she gasped seeing her daughter in such an inappropriate fashion shocking Mary out of her state. "Really, Mama I am not a child anymore and we are surrounded by family I hardly think anyone here will care…" Mary responded as she returned to full posture and sat on the edge of her chair.

"Propriety is required no matter the company my dear…" Violet said standing up for Cora's reaction.

Once presents had been opened the real celebrations began. Dancing, cocktails and conversation filled the entire room. Matthew's spirits seem to rise as the night went on; he had not felt such joy in months and wondered if Mary's presence alone was causing it. Violet, Cora and Edith sat clapping their hands watching O'Brien and Thomas dance around the room. Tom pulled Sybil out of the corner and joined them. Matthew noticed that Daisy was sitting in a chair to the side and walked over to her.

"May have this dance my lady?" he asked her kindly and she looked to Mrs. Hughes for her approval.

"Of course Mr. Crawley" she responded excitedly.

"Please, it's Matthew, Daisy" he insisted. She smiled, and he spun her around on to the floor where the others were dancing merrily. Robert was fed up with seeing Mary's sight and took it upon himself to pull her up to dance as well.

"Oh, Papa please…I am not at all in the mood" she complained as he took her hand. "Well you very well should get in the mood, it is Christmas after all my dear" he responded as he pulled her toward the others. For a few moments all was right in the world. It seemed as if everyone in the room was happy. Matthew and Robert both pulled Daisy and Mary to opposite ends of the room dancing a sort of tango towards each other, Mary laughed at loud at the casualty of it all, she could not remember a time even before the war where she has participated in something so enjoyable.

She glanced in Matthew's direction as her father continued to lead and she saw something when she looked at him she had not seen in a very long time. It was as if his old color was back, and he beamed as he talked to Daisy and led her around the floor. He felt the stare she had on him and locked eyes with her. She expected the smile to fall but it remained in tact and she returned one equally. It did not go unnoticed by Sybil and Tom and he pulled her closer.

"Looks like something never change my darling," he whispered into her ear.

"Indeed" she said watching it all unfold between them. The song ended and everyone clapped enthusiastically, each male bowing to the girl he had been dancing with. Mary plopped down into the same armchair trying to catch her breath.

"My it is quite hot in here is it not?" she said the same smile brightening her face.

"My dear, perhaps you should cool off, I don't think I have ever quite seen you so out of sorts…" Richard responded from behind her. She pushed off the comment knowing he was being rude.

"There is the smile I was looking for my darling daughter" Robert added as he passed her. She smiled in his direction.

"Perhaps I should go cool off…" she turned to her Mama as she spoke.

"I'll be back in a moment...if you would excuse me" Cora nodded and as Mary rose she looked in Matthew's direction as if beckoning him to follow her.

She slipped out of the room in quick motion and stood in the foyer. She felt someone following her and turned around hoping to see Matthew behind her.

"Sybil? What are you doing?" she asked her accusingly.

"I thought I might get some air as well…" Sybil responded defiantly

"I will come with you…besides I may presume to ask you the same question…" Sybil gave her a knowing look and realized she caught her glance towards Matthew.

"Very well…why don't we step outside for a moment? I'll get Anna to get our coats" Sybil nodded as Mary left to get her.

She returned a moment later with there coats in hand and they stepped outside into the bright night.

"It is a strange occurrence that the night mimics the day when snow is on the ground" Mary spoke softly.

"Mary, what on earth are you thinking? Are you mad?" Sybil questioned her the moment the interior door to the foyer was closed.

"Excuse me?" Mary questioned she knew just what she was talking about.

"Tom and I both saw you and Matthew, Mary, we saw the look and then just now you tried to get him out of the room to follow you" Sybil scolded her.

"I was not the only one that noticed either cousin Isobel saw as well and caught him up in conversation with her and Mama to keep him in the room" Sybil explained.

At the moment Mary could only think about the fact that Matthew was going to follow her but was stopped and paid little attention to what else Sybil was saying.

"Mary? Are you even listening to me? You are a married woman. You know how much a love the idea of you and Matthew but it was just that. I hate to say it but I would be afraid of how Richard would respond if he thought anything was going on…" Sybil continued on.

"I know you do not love him Mary, and although I may never understand why you married a man you do not care for when Matthew wanted you long before you met him, you are his wife" Sybil finally came to a stop.

"Am I allowed to speak now dear sister?" Mary asked calmly and Sybil smiled and nodded.

"There is first of all a lot you do not know Sybil about the reason Matthew and I did not get engaged but I must tell you I loved, love him very much…" Mary finally admitted it.

She felt a tremendous weight lift. She had not said such a thing about Matthew since the night he proposed and her mother asked if she loved him. Sybil looked at her smugly.

"You think that I do not know that? Please Mary, it is your biggest secret that everyone knows… It has been written upon your face for years." Sybil scoffed

"Not my biggest, and not everyone knows Sybil" Mary responded quickly to her sister accusation.

"Mary, what is the reason you turned Matthew down then? You must have loved him all this time and I know he cares deeply for you I can tell it…" Sybil questioned it.

"It wasn't his position, I know. Some may think you are that shallow but I know you better than that" Sybil continued on trying to understand.

"It's possible that soon enough everyone may know of my foolishness…" Mary dropped her head and turned around to head back inside. Sybil followed her trying to press for more information but Mary waved her hand that she was done with the conversation.

They removed their coats and handed them to Anna, and returned to the sitting room. Matthew watched as Mary returned to the room and sat down again paying little attention to him, she was being too obvious that was clear, if Sybil and Tom had noticed it surely they were not alone.

When Richard noticed she had returned he asked Robert if he could speak to Mary in the Library for a moment. Robert agreed but questioned the reasons for it "Something we need to discuss about the phone call I received earlier. I am afraid it is quite imperative" he pressed.

Robert nodded in understanding. "Mary. Could I see you for a moment?" he asked, but it sounded more like a command to Violet.

Mary stood and followed him into the library. "My god, that man…treats her as if she is property. I still do not like him" Violet continued on to Cora.

"He is her husband now… I thought you had warmed to him." Cora asked.

"I tolerate him dear, there is a difference…" Violet added.

"There is no stopping it Mary, it will be in tomorrow's papers…" Richard stood with his back to her in the library.

The words struck her like a knife into her side. "You have known this since breakfast?" Mary asked accusingly.

"Yes, since my associate called me this morning" he responded turning around to face her.

"And you are just now telling me? How could you keep this from me? Letting me carry around all day…" she steadied herself against the mantle, anger was boiling inside of her.

"I thought it best to get through the holiday, and I my self needed to process the news of what this meant for us" Richard added sternly.

"I'll be ruined, we both will. My family…this will unravel everything" Mary's emotion caught up to her and she began to sob.

"Well you are quite wrong about that…I will not be ruined by this Mary. I will not have you drag me down with you." Richard spoke calmly, with little emotion in his voice.

"Excuse me? But whatever do you mean by that?" she asked accusingly.

"I will be returning to London tonight and the day after tomorrow I will begin seeking a divorce…" Richard never broke eye contact with her as he said the words.

"What?" she screamed and kept her voice raised as she continued speaking.

"Are you mad? A divorce? Divorce is not an option for people like us. I am your wife. You are supposed to support me, love me and…"

He laughed at her once the word love came from her mouth. "Love you! As you have loved me? Please. There is only one person that you care for the way you should a husband and that is not I. It never has been. I will not escort a woman of your sort through my world as my wife. Your reputation will be nothing after this comes to public light. This marriage was just as much an advantageous choice for you as it was for me, and divorce may not be an option for a person of your family's position but it is for mine and I will use my right to do so" Richard stepped close to her and raised his voice as he spoke.

Robert and Matthew flew through the doors upon hearing the shouting. "What in God's name is going on in here?" Robert shouted, his eyes immediately going to Mary who was now nearly kneeling, Matthew went to support her immediately.

"Ah yes, here is her knight in shining armor. Mr. Crawley to save the day…" Richard said in a condescending tone.

"She is damaged goods Matthew, I presume you do not know…" Richard asked him.

"Stop it! It is not your place. You have no right!" Mary yelled back at him as Matthew supported her tiny frame still unsure of what was happening only aware that Mary's demeanor was terrifying him.

"I will ask again Sir Richard! What is going on?" Robert raised his voice even higher demanding an answer.

Richard continued directing his tyrant at Mary. "They shall all know tomorrow morning my darling, why put it off any longer!"

By this time everyone had made their way to the library. They stood shocked, unsure of what to do.

Cora knew what this must have meant. She interrupted. "Stop this! At once. I will not have you treat my daughter with such disrespect. Leave!" Cora commanded to Richard.

"Who knows of your transgression Mary? Certainly not your beloved Matthew or your Papa. That is clear." Richard continued his assault, ignoring Cora's command as well.

"You wish to tell them? Or let them read it in the papers tomorrow morning?" she gasped for the air to breath and form some words to come out but it was useless.

"Should I tell them Mary." He leaned in the closer to her and Matthew shifted his weight turning her closer into his side out of Richard's reach fearful of what he may do.

"Shall I tell them our reason for marriage? How you are indebted to me for keeping your secret from coming out once before? Shall I tell them the remarkable tale? Your allowing the Turkish diplomat into your bed chambers the night of his death?" Robert turned to Cora in shock and she looked down.

"Of how your Mother and Anna assisted in the removal of his body from your room after his death…" Richard paused and the truth was finally out.

Mary was hysterically crying at this point, it was the only thing that could be heard when he was not screaming.

"I am done here. I refuse to be embarrassed any longer. Carson, Pack my things I will be leaving at once." Matthew still held tightly onto Mary. Richard pushed through the library full of shocked faces hurriedly.

"You will leave at once! And never return here again Sir Richard! You are not welcome in this house any longer!" Robert screamed after him furiously.

"What is he talking about Mary is there truth to this story?" Robert commanded an answer continuing to raise his voice.

"Robert!" Cora shouted. He immediately turned to her "Is this true!" he asked again.

"Where is Anna?" Robert screamed again and Anna appeared.

"Is there any truth to this matter?" he asked once more.

Anna was about to respond when Mary rose still upset. "Yes, Papa. It is all true!" Mary shouted.

Matthew's arms dropped from her side and he lowered his head. Mary recounted the events of that night many years ago to her father and nearly the entire household. "Oh, Mary…"Sybil let the words fall from her lips by accident and began to cry herself. Her father listened in disbelief.

"Seven years! Am I not to know the things that occur in my own household!" he sat down in the chair trying to gather his emotions but it was no use.

"How could you keep something like this from me?" he directed the question at both Mary and Cora.

Mary was still horribly upset and Matthew moved towards her again to lead her to the couch. The touch of his hand to her arm startled her but she sat down. Her face moving to her hands as he took a seat next to her, he just watched, unable to speak still as silence took over again. It remained that way until the front door slammed at Richard's exit "This will be the end of the Crawley family! Mark my word!" he shouted as he walked down the drive.

"This is the story that Bates' former wife was going to take to the papers?" Robert spoke directly to Anna his voice slightly lower.

"Yes m'lord. It was. Lady Mary had Sir Richard make a contract with her so she would not sell it to any other paper. I had no idea that you became his prisoner because of that m'lady…that was to great a price to pay…." Anna admitted watching Lady Mary in shock the whole time.

"No, Anna it was not. I was trying to protect my family…" Mary's voice was raspy and she had calmed slightly.

"How could you have let this carry on?" Robert once again raised his voice to Cora but she had no response.

"And you, I am your father. I am responsible for you. Did you not think I could have helped in someway?" he shouted in Mary's direction.

"If you would just calm down perhaps Cousin Cora and Mary would have more to say." Matthew finally interjected.

"Matthew, it is not your place…" his mother insisted.

"Quite the contrary Mother, I believe it is." Matthew added.

"I think you should all leave Mary to herself for a moment. She is clearly upset." Matthew rose from the couch as he spoke.

Edith and Sybil did not move out of the room but in, Matthew moved from beside Mary as they approached and sat down on either side of her resting their hands on her shoulders.

Everyone else exited except the girls, Robert and Cora. Matthew turned to leave himself but Robert spoke "No, Matthew you stay. You are obviously apart of this more than I thought." Matthew stood still for a moment unsure of how to respond.

"He's gone now Mary, and he will never come near you again" Sybil reassured her sister as they tried to calm her down.

"This is madness, who else knows of these events?" Robert asked Cora.

She sat down on the couch across from the girl her eyes never leaving Mary. "I thought all along that it was only Mary, my self and Anna. I hadn't known how Bates wife had come across the story…" Cora explained.

"I knew…" Edith finally admitted. Cora looked at her instantly.

"You knew?" Cora questioned.

"Yes, and I fear it is my fault that it has been taken as far as it has…" Mary stopped her before she could tell of her actions any longer.

"No, Edith. The fault is mine…I must live with the consequences of my actions." Robert sighed.

"And why is it coming out now?" he asked, he was getting more calm and Mary met his eyes for the first time.

"Richard's competitors are leaking the story in an attempt to bring him down. I suppose now he will publish his own story of how he married a harlot unknowingly and is now dissolving his marriage that was built upon lies." She closed her eyes at the thought.

"Mary, don't speak of yourself in such a way" Matthew spoke from across the room; she met his eyes and noticed that he looked at her no differently than earlier.

"That is what I am, am I not? I took a lover without the thought of marriage. Let me be clear though again." She looked to her father as she said it. "I did not invite him into my room. I do not even know how he found my room…" Mary said, she wanted to be sure that her Papa knew she had not willingly accepted him.

"Then how did he know which room to go to? What if he had ended up in ours? Or one of yours sisters? Someone must have told him the room to go to…" Robert said.

"I don't know…" Mary answered defeated.

"That's enough…" Matthew finally spoke up.

"Mary clearly needs sometime alone…you should all go to bed and give this matter attention in the morning" Matthew continued.

"Mother and I will see ourselves out. I'll come over in the morning."

"Yes, I think Matthew is right. It is late and it is best if we lay this matter to rest. In the morning we will find out what the papers truly have to say…" Robert agreed.

They rose from their seats and exited the library into the foyer. Anna was waiting for Mary and took her upstairs. As the others watched saying nothing. "Well it has been a long night and I think it best if everyone return home and we all rest." Robert announced to them all after Mary ascended the steps.

Tom wrapped his arm around Sybil's waist and she laid her forehead to his shoulder clearly upset over the event. "Isobel, Mother, I am so sorry about this evening please forgive me. I hope you all can manage alright, Carson is having the motor come around to take you all home, but if you will excuse me I am going to go to bed" Robert did not wait any longer and walked slowly up the stairs.

Carson called from the front informing them that the motor was ready. Matthew stood still watching up the stairs, as if willing himself to see what was taking place in Mary's room. "Sybil, I'll be here first thing in the morning. Make sure she is taken care of. Don't let anyone be hard on her while she is so vulnerable." Matthew pleaded to her.

"Of course Matthew, I'll make sure of it" she responded. Matthew thanked her and followed his mother and Violet out into the cold night.

They were barely out of the drive before Matthew broke the silence. "Did you know about this Lady Grantham?" he questioned Violet, who sat across from him.

"Of course I did Matthew" Violet just stared unable to respond.

"You must know this is why she rejected your proposal now?" Violet continued.

"What?" Matthew questioned her.

"She could not bare for you to carry her mistakes, and feared telling you of them. Instead she decided it was better for you never to know, I disagreed. As I told you several months ago how she feels about you, you must have known something was not right when she rejected it" Violet finished and Matthew could not believe what he was hearing.

"She turned down Matthew's proposal because of this?" Isobel questioned.

"Surely she did not think Matthew would have tossed her aside over such an issue. He loved her." Isobel knew she had said to much.

"Excuse me, I am sorry, I shouldn't have…"

"No mother," Matthew interrupted, "Loves, but that is besides the point, and we can not harp on the past. We must help her through this" Matthew explained to them both.

"Just as I thought you would respond all along Matthew…" Violet said knowingly.

They reached Lady Grantham's house and she informed Matthew she too would see him in the morning. Most of the remaining ride to Crawley house was silent until they arrived. "Loves?" Isobel asked.

"Mother, it is late. I do not want to talk about this now." Matthew hung his head to the side giving his mother an annoyed look.

"At least you've finally admitted it." Isobel said sliding past him and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

"I will see you in the morning my dear boy." She walked towards her bedroom.

"I'll be heading up to the house very early so I'll see you in the afternoon." Matthew responded.

"Aren't you going to bed?" she asked as he headed in the direction of the sitting room.

"No, mother. I have much to think about." He walked into the room sliding his hands into his pockets with a heavy sigh.


	4. Chapter 4

_I keep sitting down to write these chapters and get down to the end of something different than I imagined. I won't be able to update for a bit and I didn't want to leave you on a cliff so here is a little chapter for you. It really will be sometime before I am able to update again though… I am so inpatient waiting for this Christmas episode and now with the information of it coming in I keep developing even more theories of what could happen in it. I am not crazy about this chapter, it's a bit fluffy and I want to portray the Mary we know from series 1, this woman who carried a dead man from her room and stands up for the people she loves. Mary is a strong woman and she isn't going to throw herself into bed over what is happening here, she is going to fight it even if she has to do it alone. Anyways, enjoy and thank you for the reviews and such it is so nice of you all! _

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><p>The little sleep that Matthew managed to get escaped him completely Christmas night, he had excused Molesley and had been in the sitting room through most of it, consumed with what had happened with Mary and Carlisle, and yet another revelation that Violet had dropped on him.<p>

Matthew knelt in front of the fireplace moving the logs around to add more, and thought back to that day on the grounds at Downton.

_"Oh Matthew, you always make everything so black and white" Mary berated him; the first time either of them had raised their voice to the other. _

_"I __think __this __is__ black __and __white, __Do __you __love __me __enough __to __spend __your __life __with __me? __If __you__ don't __then __say __no__…__"_

It hadn't been about the inheritance, or being the heir. It all lead back to this secret of hers. To think of all that telling him could have changed, he put the thoughts out of his head and sat down in the chair.

He stared at the fire blankly thinking of nothing but what could come next for Mary. Unable to sit still any longer he rose to get his coat and headed out of Crawley house to walk up to Downton Abbey.

As the house came into view the sky had begun to lighten but the sun was nowhere to be seen over the horizon. Matthew could see a glimmer of light from one of the windows and wondered if that was Mary's room. He'd never been in there but he thought he remembered her mention once that she could see who was coming up the drive from quiet a distance because of the placement of her window.

He was surprised to see Carson waiting for him out front when he reached the door. "How did you know I was out here Mr. Carson?" Matthew asked.

"Anna saw you coming sir. We weren't expecting you so early though sir would you like some tea? Breakfast should be ready soon" Carson explained.

"No, that's quite alright I'll wait for everyone else. I would like to see how Lady Mary is doing though. Is Anna with her?" Matthew's responded.

"Anna and Lady Sybil are both with her sir, I'll take you up." Carson spoke as he led Matthew into the house and up the stairs.

As they entered the room Anna was standing by the doorway and Sybil was lying down next to Mary on the bed.

"Matthew…" Sybil rose and came towards them.

"She's finally asleep. She went on and on for hours last night but I think she will be fine, at least until we find out what is really in the papers." Sybil trailed off and Matthew looked over her shoulder, Mary's back was turned towards them and he could only see the curve of her shoulder from where he was standing.

He turned to Carson "You will let us know the moment they arrive please Carson?" Matthew spoke quietly so not wake Mary up.

"Of course, his Lordship has requested several different papers and copies of them. I'll leave you now they should be here soon." Carson turned to leave and Matthew's attention turned back toward the bed.

"Let me get you a chair Mr. Crawley." Anna spoke quietly and slid a chair next to Mary's bed on the side she was sleeping towards.

Matthew did not protest and though he thought it could be seen as inappropriate and he walked to where Anna had placed the chair. Her face was in full view of him now. He had never seen her so at peace before. Her features were smooth, and her brow was not furrowed in the way it seemed it always was. Her hair was down and seemed to go on forever and Matthew realized he never knew it was so long.

Once he took his seat Sybil tugged on Anna's hand and they left the room quietly, pulling the door closed and standing just outside of it to ensure no one would come in. He had not noticed they left for a moment until he turned to ask them something.. He lifted his hand to her cheek and brushed against it lightly. The contact caused her to stir and her faced turned closer into his hand. Matthew smiled gently at the response and his hand remained in place as he continued to watch her sleep.

"Matthew?" Mary's eyes were only open slightly and her voice was heavy with the sound of sleep.

He moved his hand from her cheek to her hand rapidly. "Yes, Mary it's Matthew" he responded and she opened her eyes more.

"What are you doing in my room?" she asked, but it was not accusing and her hand squeezed his gently so that he would not let go.

"I came to see how you were. Anna and Sybil left me in here though. Would you like me to get Anna for you?" He was unsure what she was thinking but the grip she had on his hand seemed to slowly get tighter.

"No…but you shouldn't be in here Matthew…" she trailed off and he let his grip on her hand loosen.

"Well I will go, you should rest" Matthew barely managed to get the words out before she protested to the suggestion.

"No, stay. Please stay Matthew" he smiled at her gently.

"I just, I know Papa would think it inappropriate for you to be here..." she admitted.

"I, honestly, I am surprised that you are knowing what you do about me now…" her words trailed off and her eyes closed tightly trying to suppress the tears that were threatening to fall.

"Mary, look at me…" Matthew commanded in a kind voice and she raised her eyes to meet his.

"We will fight this with you Mary, all of us" he choose not to continue beyond that, it was enough for now.

"I'm so sorry Matthew. For everything" Mary's apology was just above a whisper and tears fell as she closed her eyes tightly. He leaned forward out of his chair and onto his knees.

"My dear…" he drug the words out slowly and she opened her eyes again. She said nothing and he brought her hand, still in his up to his lips and pressed a soft kiss to her fingers. Her eyes went to his again and he broke the silence as he reached into his pocket.

"I've brought something for you" he pulled his hand and the item that he had removed into hers. She saw the small toy dog and her eyes went back to his.

"It kept me so well…and you need it back now" he closed both of his hands around hers and the dog and pressed a second kiss to them.

"You need to rest, we will wake you later…" Matthew released her hand gently and she took the toy dog with the other, before he could rise from his knees she placed her hand to his face gently, and her fingers grazed over his features.

"Thank you…" she whispered and he leaned forward rising slightly and over her, he pressed a light kiss to her cheek.

"Rest…." He whispered in her ear and then stepped back from her bed. She turned over to her other side watching him as he crossed the room and opened the door slipping out quietly into the hall.

"Mr. Crawley, Mr. Carson said to let you know that breakfast and tea are ready in the dinning room if you wish to have some. No one else is down right now though" Anna said quietly as he stepped out into the hall.

"Thank you Anna, she is resting again…" Matthew let her know as he made his way towards the staircase.

He sipped his tea and waited for what seemed like an eternity for Robert to come downstairs.

"Ah, my dear boy. Carson said you arrived earlier. Sorry to keep you waiting. I was not expecting your so early" Robert's tone gave away his nerves and he too passed by the food only to have tea and they waited. One by one Edith, Sybil, Cora, Tom, and even Violet arrived downstairs.

"Oh thank God, I thought they would never arrive" Violet proclaimed as Thomas and a new foot man brought stacks of three different copies of newspapers and sat them on the table.

They each pulled their own copies from different piles and each began looking for the article.

"There appears to be nothing in this one…" Violet conceded throwing the paper down.

"Here it is!" Cora shouted. Louder than she meant to be and continued in lower voice reading the article to the room.

_DOWNTON - Sir Richard Carlisle commissioner Of a neighboring paper has some secrets of his very own He wish you not to know of. His recent wife the Lady Mary Carlisle is not the virtuous lady he would want you to expect. Sources tell us that she is to have taken a lover previous to their marriage and not just any fellow but a diplomat at that. Whom also died in the throws of their affair. As we expect Sir Richard will indeed try to fight this as having been unbeknownst to him however a source of ours reveals that he not only knew of this encounter previous to the marriage but used the knowing of this information in order to black mail the Lady Mary into marrying him._

"My god…." Robert sat in his chair motionless after the words came out.

"Is there anything else? Where is Richard's paper has anyone come across it?" Violet asked.

"I've searched it, there's nothing I can find so…" Edith words trailed off and her eyes stopped on the bottom of the front page where there was a small note from the editor.

_Sir Richard Carlisle, commissioner of this very paper will not entertain the gossip of his marriage from his competitors. Sir Richard Carlisle insists his unawareness of this story involving his wife and will proceed with a divorce from the Lady Mary Crawley of Downton at once._

The articles made Matthew's blood boil, he never thought himself an angry man but this horrible treatment of Mary made him want to grind Richard into the ground with his fists.

"I want to know who these sources are? Where are they getting their information from?" Cora asked setting the papers down.

"I thought it would be much worse to be honest…" Sybil admitted with a bit of relief.

She continued on. "And obviously someone came to the defense of Mary? Who could that have been?" Sybil looked around the room as she asked the question.

"Yes, I quite agree with Sybil, I imagine it would be much more damaging to Mary than this it seems as if they are out to destroy Richard more than anything though…" Violet added.

"Did anyone know that he was holding this over her head?" Matthew looked towards the women, they obviously knew much more about the situation previous to him and Robert.

"Matthew, do you honestly think I would have let my daughter marry that man knowing that?" Cora asked him quiet seriously.

"Of course not…I just wondered if there was someone who knew?" Matthew asked the question again.

"If I may Mr. Crawley, I knew of what Sir Richard was doing…" the room turned their attention toward Thomas as he spoke. "It was why I applied for the job to run the household. In hopes of keeping any eye out for Lady Mary." Everyone looked on in shock at he spoke.

"Well now I have heard it all…" Violet looked towards Thomas in shock as she spoke.

"I hadn't pinned you for one so…loyal Thomas." Violet continued.

"We all have our moments ma'm" Thomas knew they wouldn't expect such a thing from him almost as much as he wondered why he had done it in the first place.

"Thomas are you the source of any of this information?" Matthew questioned him.

"I made a call last night to someone I knew from the war at that newspaper yes, I asked if there was a way to stop the story and he said it was out of his control. When I told him Lady Mary was our only concern in the matter he told me I could place information as a source in her defense but the article would run all the same. So I told him of Sir Richard's position." The others continued to look on in shock as he spoke.

Mary entered the room and attention went right to her, everyone's focus shifting off the information Thomas had just dropped on them.

"My darling…" Cora spoke when she entered and Robert and Matthew rose from their seats. Mary took her seat next to Matthew. "Could I get you anything my lady?" Carson asked her placing a hand on her shoulder. She could feel the eyes of everyone watching her waiting for what she would do next.

"No I'm fine Carson…Thank you…So let's have it. Pass it to me…" Mary finally spoke and Edith slid her Richard's newspaper first.

The room remained silent as she read and Edith set the other paper off to the side in front of her to read next.

"Well nothing we did not expect there, I am to be a divorcee. Wonderful." She spoke sarcastically and tossed the paper to the ground carelessly. "No need for us to receive that paper anymore Carson" she quipped as she pulled the other one towards her.

She read it, once, twice and a third time and Matthew watched her expressionless face as it studied the paper. He fought the urge to grasp her hand lying on the table next to his. He watched her shoulders settle and a color come over her face that he had not remembered ever seeing in on her.

Still looking down at the paper she finally spoke "Well there it is…" she raised her face to the others after speaking.

She felt lighter, like the weight of the world had been on her shoulders for the past seven years and it was finally off. She felt as if it was her first day out of a prison in years and the first person she looked to was Matthew. She didn't speak, just looked into his eyes, as if the first time she felt she could without any guilt. He knew everything now and he we still sitting next to her.

She had put away any thoughts of a future between them long ago but in that instant with him sitting there should could not help but think how their life may have been so different at this moment if she had only told him the truth then.

Robert's voice pulled her from her thoughts and directed her attention away from Matthew.

"Well Mary, I think we all can agree that this is not as bad as it could have been. However, I think it is important to put out that this could only be the beginning. We do not know how high Richard will live up to his threats of last night and we also do not know how the village will react to this news." Robert's tone was one of concern and not anger and he continued on.

"It is important to me that you know Mary, that this family provides its whole support to you, you are my daughter and I refuse to sit back and watch a this man attempt to destroy you. He may think he has power but money can not buy everything…We will discuss this further in private but you must know that you have the support of everyone within this family…" he finished and as the others nodded and added their sentiments of agreement Mary looked at her father with a new level of adoration. She never thought her father would support her in such away, she surely thought that he would toss her aside, just as she had figured Matthew would do but there they both sat.

"Excuse me sir, the carolers from the village are here…would you like me to ask them to return later?" Carson spoke interrupting their conversation.

"No certainly not Carson. I'm sorry we must go listen. I am surprised if they've seen the papers they are here at all…" Everyone rises except Matthew and Mary and head towards the front door. She looks down at the table again as Matthew watches her.

"Let's go listen shall we? Surely I am allowed to forget this matter for a moment, it is my favorite part of the season after all" she asks the question almost as if she is seeking his permission, she doesn't wait for his answer and instead rises to leave. He follows in her direction.

She can hear the song as she and Matthew slowly approach the front door and group at the back of its large audience of the other house members.

_Silent night, holy night…  
><em>

As he looks in her direction Matthew notices her with the slightest bit of grin playing at her lips as she watches the carolers.

_Shepherds quake at the sight  
><em>

He moves closer to her and when their shoulders touch she turns her head at the sudden contact.

_Glories stream from heaven afar_

She meets his eyes and smile gently. His arm moves towards her and she watches unsure of what he was going to do. _  
><em>

_Heavenly hosts sing halleluiah…_

His hand touches the crook of her arm and she can swear she feels a shock as he trails his fingers from there to her hand intertwining their fingers and grasping her hand tightly with his. All of her attention is focused on their joined hands unable to look away.


	5. Chapter 5

_There is no excuse for this not being updated! I was tied up with school through December but between now and then it has mostly been lack of inspiration, knowing where I want to go with it but not how to get there in a way that works. _

_Hopefully I haven't lost everyone to the distance of the last chapter. This picks up at the same moment where chapter four ended. Enjoy! As always compliments and constructive criticism is appreciated! Last chapter was written pre-Christmas special so you will notice that this chapter steals a bit from it, different lines come from different people but some of it stays true to the real Downton…this is however certainly AU…._

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><p>He releases her hand the moment everyone turns around at the departure of the carolers and immediately she feels colder.<p>

Matthew hangs back at the door as everyone walks past Mary back into the house, Cora pausing a moment and placing her hand on Mary's.

Mary stands still looking out at the falling snow and the diminishing shadows of the carolers; she can feel Matthew's presence still but does not dare speak for fear of what he will say in return.

He breaks the silence and notices her stiffen a bit.

She drops her eyes to the ground, afraid of what he'll say next.

"Did you love him?" he doesn't let her answer before asking his next question. "Is that why you refused me, my proposal?" Matthew's voice breaks as he changes his question to less personal.

"Matthew…" she breathes it out about to explain and he stops her again.

"You must know Mary, I am here to support you through this…"

This causes her to meet his eyes.

"Things are different now Matthew, you don't have to…" Matthew cuts her off yet again.

"Things are different yes, but no matter, you are important to me as I said the other night…and nothing can change that." Matthew turns to leave but Mary stops him by reaching and pulling his wrist to stop him.

"I did not love him, I hardly knew him and I cared too much of what you would think of me to tell you then. I couldn't marry you without you knowing the truth. It is no matter now because I have lost everything…You, a life of purpose, my reputation. It's all out and gone now. Matthew, you are the only man I have ever loved…" Mary ended with a heavy sigh.

Mary let it all slip out at once, unable to stop herself. The past four years of this war she had kept it all to herself, but now with Carlisle gone and feeling as if she wasn't betraying Lavina's friendship it seemed as if there was nothing for her to loose in being so open with Matthew.

"You haven't lost me Mary, I am right here. You have been through hell and back and I have not made that trip any easier for you…" Matthew came closer to her now her hand still on his wrist he took both of her hands into his.

"I blamed you and myself both for Lavina, for our unsettled feelings. I thought we deserved to be unhappy…I never should have placed that burden on you Mary. You shouldn't want anything to do with me after speaking to you like that I had no right."

Now Matthew was letting everything out and she couldn't look away from him.

What was this power they had over one another?

How come they couldn't escape it?

"I shouldn't have brought Lavina here, I never should have asked her to marry me knowing how I still felt. It wasn't fair to her and I just keep thinking if I hadn't she would be alive right now and happy with someone else. What good does that do? Thinking about what if? What if you had told me all those years ago? Perhaps I would have been awful to you and left you anyways. I cannot say how I would have reacted I was prig then. I had this idea about us. That, well if I remember correctly you said it. That everything was black and white. That you either loved me or you didn't, and nothing else was a factor. I understand now what you meant."

He took a deep breath realizing that he had not stopped talking for sometime and she was just looking at him wide eyed.

Her look was soft though and he took her in, both just staring at the other for a moment realize what had just happened. That after six years of this dance they had done around each other had finally stopped and they had actually explained themselves.

"I'm not sure I have ever had such a conversation with anyone else Matthew. I say ridiculous things sometimes but I'm not sure I have ever been so open with someone until now…"

"Perhaps that is for the best, you often say that one should pay no attention to the things you say, but I rather think all of that was important…" he laughed trying to lighten the mood and his hands came up her arms to her face.

"I am sure you know from the events of Christmas eve, that nothing has changed from that night Mary, you may think you have been made different by my knowing about Pamuk and what Carlisle has now done but you haven't." she remembered the kiss from Christmas eve beneath the mistletoe and how after he chastely kissed her he whispered he would always love her and then pulled himself out of the room so things wouldn't go any further.

Matthew's eyes were filled with tears threatening to fall at the brim and hers were already running down her cheeks. He moved his thumb over her face to brush one away. He pressed his lips against her forehead than leaned further down to rest both of them together.

Carson approached them slowly, hope sparking in him that they had settled themselves and would begin the rest of this journey together. Unable to wait any longer Carson cleared his throat and Mary looked up quickly opening her eyes again. Matthew backed away suddenly but she held on to his hand to keep him close.

"Oh Carson, yes what is it?" she asked brushing the tears away from eyes.

"His lordship would like to see you my lady. He's in the library." He said watching the joined hands and not meeting her eyes as he spoke.

"Thank you Carson" she started to walk bringing Matthew with her.

"Pardon me, Are you quite alright my lady?" he asked her as she got closer to him.

She looked down at Matthew and her hands joined together and then back to Carson pressing a kiss to his cheek.

"Quite, yes Carson. Thank you." She smiled wider than he had seen in sometime and he returned it with equal happiness.

Matthew let go of her hand when they reached the library door. "Won't you come in with me?" she asked.

"I'm not sure it is my place. Perhaps he wishes to speak with you in private?" Matthew asked hanging back behind the door as she stood there with it half open.

She walked in and closed door behind her. He sat down on the stool that was next to the door but he barely had time to settle himself before she appeared again.

"You can come in Matthew" she smiled and he rose following her into the library.

"Mary said she wished for you to be here as well Matthew so please, have a seat." Robert was seated next to the fire motioning for them both to sit on the sofa across from him.

"Have you thought anymore about my idea papa?" Mary asked and Matthew looked on in confusion.

"I'm sorry what idea are you referring to?" Matthew asked.

"Last night, Mary suggested that she go to America and spend some time with her Grandmother there." Robert answered Matthew and continued on to answer Mary.

"Have you written to her? It may be a good idea. Let the divorce be settled here, and get away from the madness for a bit. Although I'm not sure how I feel about you traveling alone but it could be a good thing." Robert explained.

"I have written to her. I'm just waiting for her answer." She explained and Matthew just looked on in bewilderment. She was going to leave? Now? Even after everything they had just settled between the two of them? Then he recalled that yes they had unleashed six years of truth between the two of them but said nothing of the future.

"I have things in London at Richards that I need to get. How can I go about that?" Mary asked, putting the question of America off for the moment.

"Mr. Murray and I will go get your things, it's best if you stay away from anything having to do with Richard." She nodded in understanding.

"Murray says that he expects Richard to move fast and that you should have the papers this week. He is trying to maintain this façade the he had no clue of the…situation, so he will want to end it quickly." Robert explained and Mary shook her head.

"Of course he does, nothing but as business deal for him…" Mary sighed sitting back on the sofa.

"I wish you would have told me Mary…" Robert looked down at the floor as he spoke unable to look her in the eye.

"Perhaps I have not been the father I should have been to you. To let you know you could have told me anything, at anytime. You are my daughter Mary, my eldest daughter and there is nothing more important to me than you, your mother and your sisters." He rose at this confession and turned his back to Matthew and Mary.

Matthew felt uncomfortable and rose to leave but Mary pulled his arm to sit back down.

"Oh, Papa. I wish I had told both of you. So long ago." Mary rose from sofa looking between them both.

"You are a good father. The best father, papa." He turned towards her and she closed the distance between them wrapping her in a hug and pressing a kiss to her cheek.

"I must say though I am glad to have that man out of our lives Mary…" Robert held her shoulders.

"If I may say and you won't hold is against me I never liked him." Robert paused and

Mary laughed lightly; her father vocalizing what she figured was the truth the last four years, that he merely tolerated him.

"Please tell me he never struck you…I had been so worried he had a violent side to him." Robert pleaded for an answer.

She looked down at this question and hesitated for a moment. "He never touched me Papa." She paused again and looked to Matthew. "Not in anyway…" she admitted.

Robert took her in his arms and Matthew stared at her back for what felt like an eternity before they let go of each other.

Robert sat down again and Mary returned to her spot next to Matthew and he looked between them, a smile coming on his face.

"What about you two?" Robert asked and Mary looked to Matthew smiling.

"What about us?" Mary asked looking at Matthew and then Robert directing her question to her father.

"You care for each other…that much is clear" Robert looked down at their at their now joined hands as he spoke.

"The air is clear between us cousin Robert but we have not discussed anything further…" Matthew turned his attention towards Robert suddenly serious.

"Well perhaps you should…" Robert rose at this.

"Right now?" Mary asked.

"I am after all a married woman…. certainly you can't be serious." She laughed at the ridiculous proposal from her father.

"Well, then after it is all settled." Robert pleaded with some hope still in his eyes.

"Perhaps I shall have a say in my own future for once…." Mary rose this time walking away from them both.

"The first man I was engaged to was by force…The second who proposed I never got to give a proper answer. And the man whom I am now married to held my family's future over my head…" she paused, trying not to upset herself.

"Perhaps it is time I decided what I want Papa…." Mary pleaded.

"Of course darling. After all this, you should get what you want." Robert agreed and Matthew looked on a bit confused.

They both stared at her as if they were waiting for her to tell them what she wanted.

"Let's brave one storm at a time shall we?" Mary asked and bent to kiss Matthew's cheek and then her fathers.

"I am exhausted, if it is alright I'm going to go lie down…" Mary explained.

"Of course darling…" with Roberts approval Mary left the library.

Robert handed Matthew and a drink and sat back down across from him with his own in hand.

He eyed the younger man a moment as Matthew sat forward with his arms resting on his knees.

"You do want to marry her right? I'm not that far off am I?" he asked Matthew before taking a swig of the drink.

"I think you perfectly well know the answer to that question sir…." Matthew responded without looking up.

Robert nodded, "Just needed confirmation son…"


	6. Chapter 6

_AN: So it is spring break and I am heading off to vacation but I wanted to get another chapter out. Thank you for your alerts/favorites it means the world. I would love some feedback though to know that people are actually enjoying this thing...anyways read on..._

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><p>Mary sat at her vanity looking at her reflection in the mirror.<p>

The story was everywhere, she and Matthew had cleared the air, her Papa would still look at her and for the first time she thought, in her entire life what she did next was her decision.

She wasn't going to be forced into marrying anyone, and the burden of keeping a secret was no longer held over her head. She still had a battle to fight, no telling what Carlisle would do next, but at least it would end cutting ties with him once and for all.

She breathed a long sigh of relief and rested her head on her arms leaning down on the vanity.

_Matthew._

That's what she wanted…after all this time there was no reason to deny it anymore.

There was knock at her door that brought her out of her thoughts.

"Come in" she called and Anna entered the room.

"Good evening mi'lady, are you ready to get dressed for dinner?" Anna asked as she laid the tan and black dress in her arms gently down on the stool in front of Mary's bed.

"Why not?" Mary rose from the vanity and pulled the top out of her skirt.

"Are you doing alright mi'lady?" Ann asked as Mary stepped into the dress.

Mary sighed heavily. "Anna, it is as if for the first time in my life I have no idea what is going to happen and it makes me hopeful instead of terrified…" Anna smiled.

"I'm glad to hear it mi'lady…" she added meeting Mary's hopeful smile in the mirror.

"We are all hoping for the best for Bates Anna, you must know that…" Mary encouraged her.

"Thank you mi'lady, I appreciate it." Anna replied.

"I know it seems as if all hope could be lost but, you mustn't give up Anna. I will be here for you." Mary added.

"I know mi'lady, Thank you. I'm just not sure Mr. Bates knows that…" as Anna continue working there was a knock at the door.

"Come in" Mary called.

"Oh Anna, I'm sorry I thought you would be done by now." Sybil entered the room with a cheery disposition, even more so than normal Sybil.

"I'm just about done mi'lady" Anna explained.

"I can help if it's okay with you Mary, you know I dress my self now " Sybil said with a laugh.

"Really, I'd like to if its alright, there's something I'd like to talk to you about before we go down…." Sybil smiled at her sister shyly peaking Mary's interest.

"Oh?" Mary questioned. "Then yes that's fine Anna, Sybil can help. I'm dying to know what's got her so giddy..." Mary smiled as Anna slipped out of the room.

"And where have you been all afternoon? I haven't seen you since the carolers" Sybil asked.

"I spoke to Papa and Matthew and then I have been up here ever since, I just needed to rest for a while after everything this morning. But where have you been? Keeping Tom safe from other family members?" She grinned.

"Well, at least you are calling him Tom now…." Sybil smiled and paused a moment before she continued.

"As a matter of fact Tom and I have been out this afternoon…" Sybil was purposely dragging it out and Mary could tell she was hiding something.

"We walked down to the village for a while and…"

"Oh out with darling! Really!" Mary couldn't take it any more.

Sybil took Mary by the hand and they both sat down on the stool in front of the bed.

"Tom and I went to see Dr. Clarkson…" Sybil grinned widely at her sister as she waited for her to put the pieces together.

"Sybil! No? Your pregnant?" Mary shrieked happily as she pulled her sister in to an embrace.

"Oh, Yes…about 12 weeks. Tom and I suspected but we weren't sure…don't tell anyone you're the only one that knows." She held onto her sister a bit longer and Mary's grip tightened a little more when she revealed she was in her confidence.

"It's nice to hear some good news." Mary released her baby sister holding on to her face tears forming in her eyes.

"Oh, I'm so thrilled Mary. I really can't wait to be a mother." Sybil smiled brightly at her sister.

"Well I will keep your secret safe darling, until you are ready to tell everyone else. It really is lovely to hear such good news." Mary added.

"Have you talked to Matthew?" Sybil asked.

"Yes, we spoke earlier. He says he is here for me. That everyone is, so a very Matthew response." Mary smiled.

"Well if he is anything its an honorable man, but what about you and Matthew? I'm sorry I know your hardly single but really it must cross your mind Mary. I know how you feel about him and your both…freed up now so why not" Sybil questioned her.

"It's not that simple. But I must admit when I think of a future I want, Matthew is the only thing that fills my thoughts…" Mary smiled gently and Sybil giggled quietly reminding her of the secrets they shared children.

"We should go down…" Mary added.

Violet, Matthew and Isobel were already in the sitting room when Sybil, Mary and Tom made their way down.

"Mary, darling. There you are. Have you locked your self away all day?" Violet asked when her granddaughter entered the room.

"No, Granny. I was just exhausted. I didn't get much sleep last night and with everything this morning…" Mary explained

"We aren't going to take this lying down Mary." Violet interrupted her.

"Oh and I don't intend to..." Mary responded defensively and Matthew watched on with a smile.

"Your father tells me you wish to run off to New York? Sounds like your running away to me!" Violet retorted.

"It is only an option Granny. Of which I am examining many. Besides if I go it won't be until everything with Richard is finalized" as Mary finished her sentence Robert entered the room.

"Please let's forget that name and not ever mention it in a social setting again" Robert said as he came in and greeted his mother.

Mary walked around behind the chaise and over to Matthew as everyone else got lost in his or her own conversations.

"How are you feeling?" Matthew asked her with a small smile.

"I wish people would stop asking me that…" Mary admitted.

"I'm sorry I just…" Matthew stumbled over his words and Mary stopped him placing a hand on his arm.

"Matthew, can we go back to how we used to be? Before?" Mary asked quietly.

"Before? Before what Mary? Before you got married? Before the war? Before I cursed us?" Matthew asked sadly.

Mary smiled, she couldn't do much else and took a step closer to him.

"Remember that day, a thousand moments ago. You came across me on the grounds when you were looking for Papa?" Mary asked, and Matthew smiled at the memory knowing exactly what she was talking about.

"You said…" she paused smiling for a moment and putting on a bit of a deeper voice to imitate Matthew's, "If you really like an argument"

"Then we should see more of each other" Matthew interrupted her happily finishing the comment.

"Precisely." Mary smiled widely at Matthew and they both felt something they had not in some time, a glimmer of hope.

"Mary, would you come to Ripon on Monday? For luncheon?" Matthew asked.

"Certainly. I'd love to. Could I come to your office? You know how envious of your job I am." She smiled and she knew she was flirting and she wasn't the only one who was aware of it as Violet and Sybil watched from across the room.

"Of course, but I'm not sure how exciting it will be for you." Matthew explained.

"Also, I was wondering, Papa and I will have to go to London, to settle things. Would you come with us? I know you have to work but if you have some time…I would greatly appreciate it." Mary asked wirily, unsure of what his answer would be.

"Of course Mary, whatever you want." He smiled gently at her and brushed his fingers across the exposed skin above her glove. She smiled.

Carson called for them to go through and they all made their way to the dinning room.

Mary had a pleasant dinner with her family for the first time in what felt like forever. Everyone at the table, no arguments or dramatic moments with the exception of Granny's blithe comments, made in jest of course towards everyone at one point or another.

It was a welcomed relief for after all the years of sadness and dramatic events that had surrounded them and even with Tom at the table Papa seemed to have put aside any grief about it.

If things could remain just as they were, all would be right but Mary knew the likelihood of that was slim, for now she would enjoy it.

As they rose at the end of dinner for the ladies to go through Mary went over to her father.

"Papa, do you think I could use your library after you all come through?" Mary asked him.

"Certainly darling, what for?" He responded.

"I'd like to speak with Matthew in private if that is alright…" she added quietly.

He nodded. "I'll send him in there when we go through" she smiled brightly at him when given permission and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Mary sat on the seat by the fire with a book in her lap drumming her fingers on the top of it as she waited.

She looked at the clock across the room, it had only been a few minutes since she told her Mama she was going upstairs, claiming a headache and slipped into the library to wait for Matthew instead.

A moment later he pulled her from her thoughts.

"Your Papa told me there was something in the library for me, I had no idea it was you…" Matthew said walking in and smiling.

She rose quickly with a nervous smile on her face. "Yes, I'm sorry I had to hook you away from everyone but I really wanted to speak to you in private." Mary explained as she motioned for him to sit down and he did so on the seat next to her.

She nearly reached for his hands but something stopped her. She looked down at them and then back up at him. The tension between the growing slowly as the silence extended.

"What did you want to speak about?" Matthew asked her quietly leaning forward his arms resting on his knees.

Mary turned towards him closer and leaned forward as well, closing the distance between them a little more.

"What I said earlier…" Mary started, "To Papa, about wanting to decide on my own what is next for me." She paused.

"Yes?"

"Well, I wanted to be clear about what I meant." She breathed deeply before continuing and Matthew could see her hesitation and took her hands in his.

"Go ahead Mary…Its okay." Matthew smiled holding on to her hands.

She pulled them away from him and stood up swiftly.

"That's just it Matthew, I'm not sure it is okay…" she was pacing now in front of him.

Matthew sat back on the sofa taken back by her reaction, realizing that once again they seemed to be on different pages.

She sat down across from him now keeping some distance between them.

"I can't say what I need to say with you touching me." She sighed.

"I'm sorry, let me just make my point. As I was saying, I want to be clear. If it is possible, I would very much like what's next for me to include you Matthew and I don't know what that looks like to be quite honest. I have spent the last years afraid of saying how I feel and I don't want to be afraid anymore Matthew. You said you were here for me and I honestly don't know what that means and I'm not sure how you still truly feel about things with Lavina and Richard but I do not want to go any further without telling you how I feel." Mary breathed heavily after she spoke realizing this was the second time today she had given Matthew a big speech.

Since when had she become this person who rambles on and on?

He sat still for a moment looking at her blankly and she feared for the first time that maybe she had been wrong in thinking he wanted her too.

"Is there anything else you need to say?" Matthew asked her as he rose and stood still waiting for an answer.

She nodded and his bravery returned to him so he crossed the distance and sat down next her once more taking her hands in his.

"Was that a proposal?" Matthew asked with grin.

"Hardly, that is a man's job and after all I am a married woman technically."

She laughed and continued, "Is that all you have to say?" she asked.

"You realize in all that you never said anything about how you feel? You just said you were tired of not saying how you feel…" his smirk was ridiculous now she thought as she looked down at his lips knowing he was just fishing for her to say the words.

"I want to be with you Matthew. Is that plain enough for you?" Mary asked with a matching smirk and an arched eyebrow.

He laughed a little after she finished and let out a sigh he felt like he'd been holding in for years.

"Oh for god's sake Matthew…" she leaned forward with out warning and pressed her lips to his.

She has never initiated a kiss of theirs until now and wondered why it took so long for her to do it. Perhaps if she'd done it at the garden party years ago they wouldn't even be in this position now.

He returned the kiss and pulled her to him by her waist as her fingers got lost in his hair and played at the nape of his neck. He pressed softly against the small of her back to deepen the kiss and brushed his tongue against her lips seeking permission, which she happily granted.

She couldn't get close enough to him; she pressed herself closer causing him to lean back on the sofa pulling him on top of her. When it occurred to her what she had done, that she had brought them to this horizontal position she gasped and pulled back slightly resting her hands on his chest as he groaned at the loss of feeling her lips on his.

"I'm sorry…" she said trying to sit up and get them back to their previous position but his arms tightened around her waist.

"Don't move Mary…" his eyes were dark and his voice was hoarse.

"Please, don't move." He was pleading with her and she smiled softly at him.

"Don't apologize either" he brushed an imaginary piece of her hair from her forehead as an excuse to touch her face.

"I don't think I have ever kissed you in such a way before." He admitted.

"Certainly not…" she smiled softly lifting her hand from his chest to touch her lips lightly.

"No, I mean yes, well not in that way but what I mean is…without fear, or guilt or longing…" he admitted and she leaned down again to kiss him. He sat them both up without breaking the kiss and this time she groaned when he pulled away.

He placed quick kisses on her lips as he tried to ease the heat growing between them.

"We can't do that…" Mary admitted and Matthew looked at her disappointed.

"I mean we must be very discreet Matthew, everyone will be keeping a close eye on me especially in London and I do not want Richard dragging you into this mess." Mary explained.

Matthew nodded in understanding.

"We must act the same around each other in public, just cordialness and if need be not associate with each other at all while not around family. I know it sounds ridiculous but there is no telling what he might do…" Mary continued.

"I understand Mary and its fine. We have waited this long, what is a while longer if I know for sure I'll have you…" he rose his hand to cup her cheek and she leaned into it and smiled.

"Perhaps it will be nice, having this secret to ourselves, though I am sure Papa has figured it out, and Sybil is very aware of our feelings for one another. It seems she is more sure of you than I was." Mary admitted.

"But as far as Richard is concerned, you wanted nothing to do with me since Lavina's death and I'm sure he thinks that you think me ruined since learning of Pamuk…." Mary trailed off but Matthew's hands remained on her face.

"It's no matter Mary. You will cut Carlisle off and we will move forward, together." Matthew smiled and pressed another quick kiss to her lips.

He pulled away again with smile on his face. "I think you will be right about it being nice having a secret. But you must not look in my direction to longingly or I'm afraid we will give ourselves away." Matthew explained.

Mary rose at this and walked over to the self and pulled out a book.

He walked over next to her and she handed it to him.

"What's this?" he asked as he took it from her.

"You came to the library for something, no one was in here. I'm going up to bed. That way I won't be giving you longing looks from across the room…." She said with a mock attitude and turned to leave the library.

He caught her hand before she got too far and wrapped his arms around her waist pulling her close to him.

"Don't be cross with me darling…" Matthew said with a grin on his face.

"Don't darling me Matthew!" she exclaimed with a laugh pretending still to be cross with him as her heart leapt from her chest hearing him refer to her in such a way.

He knew she wasn't and pulled her closer for her lips to meet his own again.

The book pressed against her back as he tried to deepen it again but she stopped knowing this could lead to nothing but trouble.

"I'm going to bed now Matthew…I'll see you on Monday for luncheon alright?" she asked.

"I'm sure we will see each other again before Monday Mary…" Matthew said and it almost sounded like he was whining to her.

"No I am certain we will, but we will not see each other again in this capacity until we are tucked safely away in your office in Ripon…" she grinned foolishly and wiggled out of his embrace.

"Goodnight, Mary" he grabbed her hand once more and she flashed back to a similar moment in 1913 in the library.

"Goodnight, Matthew" she smiled and he held on for a moment, the memory hanging in her mind only this time he brought her gloved hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to the inside of her wrist.

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><p><em>AN: So I am feeling a little fluffy this week. Don't think for one second that just because MaryMatthew got a little library action all is well. These two have a lot to work out between themselves not to mention the fact that for one this Richard Carlisle is a bit more ruthless than Fellowes RC, I personally never saw any evidence that RC loved Mary til he said so in the Christmas episode...and thats the RC I am sticking with. Anyways...hope you enjoyed this chapter! _

_Also, who knows what else Lady Mary is wanting from her future? What is Matthew isn't the only thing she wishes to include in those plans? _


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